Closing Old Books

Dearest Shelby,

I'm writing you for presumably the last time. Today is your Birthday, and I wanted to wish you a wonderful one. I know this year probably hasn't been what you expected, nor are you where you likely thought you'd be this time last year. But I still hope you found happiness throughout the darkness.

We are days now from the official end of our era together. And I find myself sitting here reminiscing on the time we had. When we first met, and the joy we shared through the following years. I'll always remember who you were to me, and what you meant to me. You were my best friend, my closest companion, and the one who I planned on spending the rest of my life with. You had such a special light about you, and something magical came out of you when you were around me. That person is long gone now, but I cherish those memories.

You taught me more than anyone has about who I am, and what I have to offer. You helped bring me out of my shell the most. You got me to do things I never would have done before. You were the one who I turned to with my joys, as well as with my sorrows. My burdens were made light because of your tender care for me. What a wonderful blessing you were in my life as I encountered some of my darkest moments.

Things weren't always pretty between us. We went at each others' throats a few too many times, and I couldn't stand you some days; as I am sure you felt with me. But we seemed to always find a way to get past it all.

The things I'll miss most though were the times we spent with your family. Playing cards with your Aunts and Uncles, and most of all, your sweet sweet Grandma.. Oh how I miss her spirit and the happiness she brought me.. I still carry her card in my wallet. All of the members of your family took me in like their own. Mike, Missy, John, Rob, Christi, your Mom and Dad, everyone treated me with the most respect and love. I'll never be able to repay them for that, and thank them eternally.

Closing the book has never been easy for me. This has been the most trying experience of my life. I'll never fully understand why things happened the way they did. But I have learned so much through this. I could never say I regretted choosing to marry you. You brought me to new heights. But we've reached the end of our story. May time and experience be in our favor as we move forward in life. I will always have a special place in my heart for you. I want the best for you as you move on in life. I hope you succeed, and find happiness. I can't thank you enough for the things you taught me, and I'll cherish the memories we shared.

I'll miss you.

-Trev

What Does Your Beard Represent?

For those of you that know me, and as others may have inferred from the name of my blog, I have a beard.
My beard has been a work in progress for a little over 6 months now, and though it's not massive, it sure gets a lot of compliments; and comments alike.

The way the beard started was simply laziness. I stopped shaving in mid October 2014, and refrained during No Shave November, a recognition/awareness activity for cancer that I have participated in for the last few years.
After this, I made the decision that I wanted the beard to stay more long term. I made a goal to grow a "Yeard" [1 year worth of beard growth]! I would then reconvene and decide what I would do with the beard.


Recently, I had a friend ask me something about my beard that I have never been asked before. "What's the symbolism of the beard?"

I'll admit, I'd never really thought about it. But in a fit of inspiration, I answered her, "It started out as laziness; and now it's turning into a bit of a hobby. But it represents patience. I have had a lot go on in the last few months, and I've had to be really patient with God. And though the beard started before everything else, it kinda reminds me that sometimes God has great things in store for us. But we have to go through the awkward itchy painful stages of life before we can get where he wants us to be."



Patience:

I am terrible with this noun. I have little to none most of the time. However, each morning, I wake up and look in the mirror and have a visible symbol to remind me that, no matter how awful I may think I am at giving things time, and having the capacity to accept or tolerate things in my life, I CAN do it.

I think back to what I said to this friend of mine, and I see how true, and deep the lesson I learned is. Without likely meaning to, she asked me something that forced me to teach myself a lesson through my response.

God never said life would be easy, but he said it would be worth it. When growing a beard, there are stages where it gets itchy, awkward, annoying, and for most men, simply too much to take. This often results in shaved faces. Unfortunately, life isn't easily shaved when it begins to become simply too much to take. Patience, enduring to the end, and faith however are all things that if exercised will get you through those stages in life until you can finally lift off from the "face" of life.

Beards don't just stay in a perfect shape though once they get longer. Often times certain sections grow longer and faster than others. Some hairs rebel a little and grow in whatever direction they choose. I personally use different products to "tame" my beard including beard oils, balms, conditioners, and combs. Occasionally I am forced to trim my beard back a bit to even out those sections that try to grow longer than everything else.
Each of these tools allow me to mold my beard into the shape I would like, and allow my beard to shine and be more healthy than ever!

Life is exactly the same. Having patience is only half the battle. Sure you may be able to get through your trials over time. But you must also be oiling, combing through, conditioning, and trimming yourself to mold you into the person you need to be so that you can shine and be better and more healthy than ever before! 

It started out as laziness, and transitioned into a bit of a hobby. But my beard now has a deeper meaning to me than ever before, and I get to be reminded of that every day.

What does your "beard" represent to you? Are you doing the necessary things to maintain and refine your "beard" and achieve your full potential? Don't feel like you need to "shave" in life, because through God, all things are eternal, and possible. He will help grow, maintain, and mold you into the person you need to be. Into the person he wants you to be.

In God, There Is Hope

I will be the first to tell you I am not perfect. Quite far from it in fact. I have many faults, poor habits, and issues.
Lately I have found many of those "demons" creep their way to the surface. For me, my biggest struggle is my mental and emotional state of being.
Growing up, I've always been very connected with my emotions. I cry, I laugh, I get frustrated, I scare easily, and each of these things I do very visibly. As my divorce has gone on, I feel like my emotions have been increased a thousand fold..
I remember one night, as Shelby and I argued, my emotions spiked out of control. I got frustrated and

remember throwing my glasses across our living room. As they smashed into the wall and both lenses burst out I instantly went from one extreme to the next. Tears rolled down my face, and I begged with Shelby to help me understand what was happening..

I may never have a true understanding of what happened, and I may never need to. What I do know is that God will touch my heart when I need it the most. He'll remind me that when it feels like everything is crumbling on me, he's there holding up the walls.

 As Shelby and I have been separated, I've felt so much emptiness. I'm afraid of loneliness, and frightened to death of starting over. I don't know what's next for me, or where I am supposed to go from here.

However, I do know that God has a great plan for me. I know that God loves me so much. God loves us all in such a personal and intimate way. He feels what we feel. He knows what we think, and understands our desires and intentions. He wants what's best for us in every way. He desires for us to succeed in life, and return to him.

 My patriarchal blessing urges me to "Have no fear. Heavenly Father will stand near you..". How inspiring to me this short collection of words have become. God knows who I am. He knows what I am going through, and he knows that I will need people, including himself, to stand near me. He loves me. Should we not all take that message to heart. "Have no fear. Heavenly Father will stand near you."

I have found peace as I have turned more towards the Lord for help, and guidance.

"And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,...
Then sings my soul, My Savior God to thee,
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!"

I have a lot of life ahead of me. I have a lot of mistakes I will make, a lot more lessons I still need to learn. But God is a sure God. He never changes, nor does his love for me. How great he truly is, that he gladly bore my burdens so that I might be able to turn to him for peace. How perfect his love is for us. We are all deserving of it. You are enough for Him. I am enough for him. We just have to let ourselves recognize that.

Was I Wrong to Marry Young?

For the last few weeks I have seen multiple articles and blogs about young marriage. Many of them talk of the struggles a young couple face when marrying young, and the way they each grow with one another. I find joy in reading the success stories of others and how they can find happiness in difficult times. I too got married young. We weren't high school sweethearts or anything wild, we just met in a casual setting, and had extraordinary results!

I met Shelby on the 4th of July, 2011; and I sat playing the piano as she walked through the door. I of course thought I would blow her away, melt her heart, and every other cliche thought an overly confident guy could have. But in fact I was the one who was the recipient of all of those. Shelby was stunning! I instantly knew I liked her, and we had such a unique connection I could feel. Granted, part of that "connection" was due to me eating a starburst off her tongue within hours of meeting her, but that's not the point. What Shelby made me feel was more real than I had ever felt before.

We would go on to become "official" by the end of July, and we continued dating for over two years! We learned so much together, and shared countless memories. On October 31st of 2013, I did something I never thought I would have the courage to do. I took Shelby back to Ensign Peak, [the place we first went the day we met] got down on one knee, and asked my best friend to become my Eternal Companion! My heart had fainted from excitement, and by the time I was rubbing my knee through the dirt and rocks, I think my heart had just stopped beating all together. Shelby said Yes, and the rest was history....... or so I thought.

We made the decision to wait for nearly a year to get married because my best friend, and best man Ben was serving his mission, and wouldn't return until early September 2014. We set our wedding date for September 27th, and told all our friends to "Save the Date!". After tons of planning, creating, decorating, errands, and pure chaos, we finally made it. Shelby and I went through the Oquirrh Mountain temple to take out our endowments, and were Sealed for Time and All Eternity in the Salt Lake City Temple. We did it! We accomplished a goal we each had, and we were on our way to, and through, Eternity together! I remember just utter bliss. Complete and total peace. I married the girl of my dreams, and I did it the right way, in the Temple of the Lord. I didn't need anything else. My life was complete, and nothing could bring me down.

Now we could start planning our future together; where would we live, when would we have kids, who were WE going to be?? It was all so exciting, and I felt like I was finally ready to settle down, and start to "grow up" with Shelby. We quickly learned there was a lot more to marriage, and life, than what Pinterest tells you. [stupid Pinterest, you lie]
Marriage was hard.. Like WAY hard!! Learning to live with someone is weird enough, but learning to live with a woman is just plain impossible! [And is it seriously possible to get so much hair in the drain, and not be bald!?]
Suddenly we had to budget our money, become experts on insurance, and learn about a million terms that I had never heard before. Premiums, deductibles, what the what!? Cooking seemed to become more of a rare gem in our home, and most the fast food restaurants became our best friends. Was this really the "married life" everyone spoke of in all those blogs I read? Was it really so incredible to get Chick-fil-A, and watch Netflix every night? I loved it though, because I was spending that time with Shelby, my incredible wife! Even as life got more stressful, and we got less exciting as a couple, I still loved every minute of it.

As the months went on though, Shelby and I started to become more distant. She spent more time at work, coming home later in the night, and a lot of the time I was already in bed, fast asleep. Emotionally, I felt a massive absence between us. Things had changed somewhere along the line, and I didn't realize it until I found out.... 
Shelby had been contemplating getting a divorce with me. Yeah, that scary D word that us Mormons don't like to talk about. Things weren't going the way she'd expected, and we were both still really young! She had a ton of life she didn't get to live and experience. I took that away from her in a way. She had come from high school, to meeting me, and getting into a serious relationship that resulted in marriage. I can imagine her fright at seeing our less-than-perfect life together, and thinking, "Oh no.... what have I done?"

The next few weeks were a blur. A complete blur, yet entirely crystal clear at the same time. My body went into a hyper-aware state, where everything had such an incredible affect on me. I remember bursting into tears and just bawling, so much so that my legs simply wouldn't work, and as I collapsed and sobbed on the floor, I felt every muscle in my body just stop, as if everything was being put on hold so my heart could pump efficiently enough to keep me alive. Fights became a norm, confusion filled my head, and I felt more empty than I knew was possible.

Why had God let this happen to us? We did everything the right way! We followed his counsel, and listened to his guidance as best we could! I was furious with God. How could some guy that claimed to be perfect be such a jerk-off!? I thought if I Chose The Right, I would get blessings, and everything would just be okay. What the heck was his idea of "okay"?

I remember the night I told my parents about Shelby and I's decision. I went to their house, hysterical, at maybe one in the morning. I woke them up, and brought them to the living room to break the news. My Dad, who also had been divorced and was now remarried, just lost it... My Dad cries often; he's a sensitive guy bless his heart. But this night, he cried differently. We stood there and hugged for what seemed like hours, just crying into each other's shoulders. My Mom was sobbing too. I remember just feeling so weak and exhausted because my body had hurt so much, and I had cried for so long..

I finally, through lots of prayer, and even more answers, began to forgive God. I continued to go to church, and tried my hardest to listen to what all my family and friends were telling me. God doesn't put trials in our path to break us down, but to build us up. My attitude slowly turned from hatred and blame towards God, to friendship, and love for God. My friends became more inspired than they will ever know. They were literally the mouthpieces for God to tell me what he wanted me to know. Support came flooding in, and people I had never met before were sending me encouraging messages of hope.

I learned that sometimes our burdens weigh us down so much, and we feel stuck, but it's with the weight of our burdens, that we gain the traction necessary to get un-stuck, and to progress.

I married young. And I found an Eternal Companion to spend my life with. Things didn't turn out like the fairytale I read about. However I recognize that we are given agency, and I don't get to control anyone's choices but my own. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, this has been an immensely challenging trial for me. One that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, I wouldn't trade this experience. I don't regret choosing to marry Shelby. I do, and always will love Shelby eternally. She was placed in my life for many specific reasons. Through Shelby, and through this experience, I am growing so much closer to God. I see his hand in my life more now than when I thought I had everything I needed. I find myself learning more about myself as a man, as a husband, and as a future father. I see myself grow each day, and I can honestly say I am a better person through this than I was when I started. I find myself filled with more love and compassion towards others. I feel so much more love towards Shelby. It's a different kind of love. It's hard to put into words, but in a way, I feel how I think the Savior might feel towards us. I want the best for her, and I want to see her succeed, and find happiness, even if that means it's not with me.

My life is changing constantly. I am always finding new things to be grateful for. I find beauty in the small things, and I look forward to them. Marrying young didn't work out the way I expected, but I couldn't have ever imagined how much I would grow and cherish the way it has gone, and I am forever grateful for the experience. I can't wait to see what my future has in store for me.